Contemplating life and death and meaning . . . November 7, 2009

Contemplating life this week.  What is the best way to live?  Is it to live for yourself?  In a small space doing what makes you happy?  Doing what you want to do?  Write?  Fish?  Crafting?  Or do you do what you can to assist man/woman kind?  To touch the world in a meaningful way?  What do you do so that at the end of your life you die in peace?  No regrets?  And how do you do that.  Die?  How do you come to the end of this wondrous place and leave.  Leave behind all you’ve done, your family, your life?

I read an interview with Ed Asner this past weekend.  He was the voice of the grouchy old man (who really loved his wife) in the movie “Up”.  He’s 79 now, a long way from the grouchy Lou Grant of the Mary Tyler Morre show.  He stated, “This has been a good year.  I also have to realize, I don’t have that many years left… But my career has been a joy, it really has, and if Up” turns out to be the last thing I do, that certainly would be an up note.  I am inordinately proud of that movie.”  Oh, man, there were the tears burning the rims of my eyes.  They came out of nowhere and I couldn’t stop them.  He’s facing the fact that he didn’t have many years left and I connected with him.   Felt his heart.

That interview clicked something inside me.  Something that’s been simmering.  The reality of what my age really means.  Suddenly I couldn’t help but reflect on the fact that I’m 45.  I feel 25.  But I’m 45.  Crossed over middle age and becoming conscious of the ticking clock.  Which has grown increasingly louder everyday as I:
–delve deeper and deeper into social media marketing and marvel at the time it requires to learn and explore,
–marvel at how quickly technology changes us and volts us forward on the time stream, –edit film and I watch the seconds and milliseconds as I time something.  Then squinch it down and see how much those itty bitty slices of time add up to a lot of minutes, –technology itself has drawn me closer to time.

I station myself around at the computer around 9-10 a.m. and end around 2-3 a.m. and as I’ve said in the past there are times I feel like I’ve learned nothing, I’m astonished at what I have left to master, and due to the time it all takes I now count my time in minutes, seconds and milli seconds and not just at the computer.  But throughout my life.  If I’m going to watch a video on the internet I check the time first.  If it’s 2-3 minutes I’m good with watching it.  Longer I may pass it right by or begin to watch to see if it’s worth it.  Either way once into it I’m gauging the informations value and I’ll bail due if it’s not giving me enough.  If it’s not then the TIME, one minute, 30 seconds, left to go before it’s done would be better to spend elsewhere and I book.  I watched a 16 min 33 sec video the other day and felt like I watched a full length feature film.

I seriously didn’t feel this close with time two or so months ago.  I realized I was 45.  I realized that I had lived a lot of my life.  I knew I was at mid-life and slidding past the mid mark.  But it didn’t slow my pace.  Cause to ponder too deeply.  Within two months I’ve changed my outlook and I’m not sure if I’m glad.  I don’t like facing the fact that there’s an end out there.  And I will state right here that I intend to at least reach 90 or a 100 or more.   Really, I’m shooting for 140. But still, a lot’s over.  OMG who knew?  Who really knew there was an end?  That I would grow old like the lovely older people I have known?

When we’re little we have eternity that looms out before us.  We have ambitions.  Dreams and wants to do.  We’re always wanting to be older.  When we’re tiny we want to be 5.  Then 10, the double digit number that slings us ever closer to “teen”.  Then it’s 13 to be a “true” teenager.  Then 18, the coveted age that marks adulthood.  Then 21, the true mile marker that says, “I’m a full fledged adult.  Wooo hoooo. I can drink and smoke and do whatever I please.  It seems such a long way from death.  Such a harrowingly long way away.  Life is bustling and just getting started.

When we’re young we count time by how far we are from birth.  When we cross middle age we begin to count how long we have till death.  And like Ed Asner at 79, we’re are faced with, having “To realize I don’t have many years left”.  And who wants to put a label on it?  To state that it’s maybe 5 or maybe 10 years left.  That would give it too much reality.  Limit it too much.  The clock would tick louder.  Maybe 5, maybe 10 years?  At the beginning of life that same time from 5 to 10 or 13 to 18 seemed such a long time to arrive at.  Like so much time.  At 79 it’s so little.  Nothing lays beyond it for each of us in this lifetime.  What lies beyond is transition into what we consciously don’t know.

How does one live with that knowledge?  This I don’t know… yet.  But one day I will.  But for now I ponder, thanks to the wonder of the internet and social media, how is it best to live out my days?  What will be rewarding and fill me with pleasure and joy?  Make my life well spent and purposeful?  What will touch others around me and make them feel valued and loved?  What?

I have always tried to live my life so it had meaning and purpose.  But now it’s different.  It’s more acute.  More sharply in focus.  It must take shape.  Have definition.  I’m not one to just do for myself.  I’m one to love and extend my love and caring.  I have to attempt to make a difference.  I have to live more.  Stop hiding.  Stop fearing.  I’ve only got this one life.  When it’s over, I want to have not just dreamed big, but lived big.  Today I’m glad I’m involved in getting the Red Book and Cotton out to the masses.  It will change people for the better as it has done for me.  This book is magnificent.  It will make a difference and I’m thankful, humbled even, I can play a role.  I’m also more driven to get my life story finished and published for the same reasons.  Even my other two shorter books, which I haven’t told you what they are yet, I feel will be meaningful.

All these words.  All this time for me to write it and for you to read it, for me to say,  I’m going to begin to capture the beauty of life.  I’m going to begin to live like I’m 79 from the perspective of: “I have to realize I don’t have many years left.”  Because in reality I don’t.  Life is only but a vapor really.  Good night, my oldest is 25.  Twenty-five!  How did that happen?  It seems only yesterday he left my womb, slid between my legs, all wet and bloody, and wonderful, inhaling oxygen into his lungs for the first time, and letting out a lusty cry, then trying his hardest to suck my breast with his untrained lips and his eyes squeezed shut against the brightness of the newness of light that surrounded him.

This is the only life I have and I’m grabbing it for all it’s worth.  What about you??  Have you been thinking about this too??  Share it with me through comments.

Night, Love Ya,
Theresa Jane
-who has the speed of the 21st century to thank for waking her up to the ticking of time and to not wait till it’s almost over.  To really, really, get it now, while I still have a good bit of TIME… maybe 35, maybe 45, hopefully more, years left . . .
-I hope this was worth your time (if you’re new to my post this over double my normal length, it’s just how do you contemplate life in 500 words?)

How to kick a cold and sadness . . . October 26, 2009

(The How to Kick a cold is further down in second paragraph, there’s a story that surrounds it, so story first )

Yesterday I woke up and I had post nasal drip. My first thought was, this is a sign of inner crying. Information drawn from Louise Hay’s book: You Can Heal Your Life. A terrific book about how physical symptoms can tell us about our emotional state. How they are interwoven and how healing emotions can bring physical healing or accelerate physical healing as well. Initially I wondered to myself, what am I crying about? But didn’t give it much more thought than that, the kids were here, we were interacting, had work to get to… Then a a couple hours later I remembered that today marks the 21st anniversary of our daughter/sister to my kids, Tiffany dying.

21, a very big mile marker. Right up there with turning 18. Now I will add that through time the severity of my grieving has greatly diminished. However I doubt the day will come that I don’t look back and feel sadness. I don’t remember feeling or having physical reactions last year, but this year, well what started as a trickle of mucous, by late nightfall (what is it about the sun going down?) progressed into a full blown upper respiratory gig. Box of tissues ready at my side, hot herbal teas going down: Gypsy Cold Care (Traditional Medicinals) and Peppermint along with swallowing vitamins and herbs: Red Clover, (cleanses the blood) Infection Relief (an herbal blend for infection and sickness), vitamin C, Liver Cleanse (an herbal blend to support the load of toxins on my liver), Pro Biotic, White Willow (breaks up mucus throughout body), Immune System in a Bottle (an herbal blend that supports and builds up the immune system). I’ll be feeling better soon.

And even though I’m sick, both yesterday and today I’m not doing too bad with the memories. Yesterday was a little less and I think because I had all my kids around me and had such fun with Grace. The memories are here. Tiffany’s here, I sense her presence. But I’m functioning well, just a little slower and with a little sadness. So comfort today: mashed potatoes and gravy, some brownies probably. Both foods not good for healing and recovery, need light and nutritious. But I’ll get to that tomorrow. More comfort: warm heat radiating through my apartment, shivering not allowed today, I think I’ll watch a movie, some hot cocoa. Today I’m just going for the comfort and allow myself to feel this rather than suppress. Anything suppressed hurts more and takes longer to pass in the long run.

Theresa Jane
-thankful for the time we had Tiffany, she changed my life that’s for sure