Einstein:
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
For years I’ve pretty much been doing the same thing over and over again with my parents and expecting different results. !BLAM!ming them was doing something different.
By not ever dealing honestly, openly, and calmly with the past and being straight up with them I swept everything under the carpet. The result was I continued to get walked on and (more…)
After posting I’ve decided to add this story. It happened yesterday. Since I was on the topic of detecting and overcoming worthlessness I thought I really should begin to include stories regarding this matter. That will show my struggle. Show the difficulty I’m having healing a relationship with a child I have hurt and may assist you if you’re in the same boat…
“Some things take years to learn, and seconds to understand.” I pulled this quote out of the blog called, “Becoming Jennie”. Jennie is 26 and on the same path as I: finding herself for the first time and creating a new life. Transformation is taking place in her life. I only wish I could have had the same experience at her age. Then I could have redeemed twenty years of my life.
CONTINUED FROM YESTERDAY…
When my children were growing I did everything I could that I thought would allow them to grow into strong and sturdy adults. Taught them how to interact with the adult world: how to ask for what they wanted, how to approach adults with questions or for what they wanted/needed. How to articulate their thoughts, shop wisely, use money carefully, find information, get what they wanted, stand up for themselves.
Con’t From these previous posts: “What’s that you say?? Total honesty??” and “Looooonnnnng history of lying. . .”
Lying is insidious. Someone that begins to lie for certain reasons, in specific areas over time can’t contain it. Without noticing it slowly creeps around and sends off shoots like vines on the side of a house. Left untended, they’ll cover the house and destroy it. That was me.
Con’t from the last post.
As I was saying…
I have a loooooooong history with lying. Goes back to when I was a kid. Lying was typically preferred to slaps in the face. The belt across my legs. Things like that. I tried being truthful. But somehow it just didn’t seem to work as well. So if I sensed, and I learned to have the razor sharp, keen sense of a lion on (more…)
TODAY…
was more of the same. Locked to my computer, making it happen. Left around 4:45, got my kids, went to the new Silly Bandz store and got them the Christmas set, went to Barnes and Nobel we all drooled over books, the kids submitted an addendum to their Christmas lists, then to Walmart with just Grace. Had a blast, we Christmas shopped a little. Took her home. Talked with my daughter Blessing for an hour plus. Talked with Ben for about an hour. Home at midnight to, you guessed it… get on the computer. 
I could end here, but that would be disappointing. But I HAVE to tell you something more meaningful. It starts with this blog…
Becoming Jennie captured my attention straight out of the shoot: The brutal honesty riveted me to her page. I’ve been reading her for, what? A couple weeks now. It’s her honesty that amazes me. It’s practically brutal. She’s on the show Sex Rehab. I’ve not watched it. Time is an issue. Then, well, I’d have to find the channel it’s on. Those sort of things I put off. But I did Google it last night. I watched clips from the show and was blow away by these people. Honest to the bone. Some just zipped the info out without a hitch. Some were having a tough time. But all wanted to be free. And I think I’m remembering this right, all/most want to have a sincere relationship with one person. But their addiction blocks them. They destroy that for themselves. Now I want to watch the show. That means finding the channel…
After viewing them I sat back gob-stopped. Marveling. And inspired. Why? I’ve been practicing honesty for something like four years now with John1. We’re both into awakening/healing/consciousness. It’s our thing. So we work together. Read books and discuss them. Watch movies, discuss them. Dig into our issues. Talk about them…
He’s like 20 miles ahead of me so he ultimately helps me more in some ways. But we both benefit. Well one day he came up with this new “thing” for us to strive for: absolute honesty with each other. I’m talking the unveiled, all the time, sort of honesty. Honesty that can hurt. I saw the value and agreed…bush baby has this been tough to get to. Harder for me than him. Nothing like having a friend hold my feet to the fire! There’s been tremendous growth. But first I had to come to see how much I lied. OUCH. See, I have a loooonnnnnggggg history with lying…
That’s where I’ll pick up tomorrow. 
I’ve always loved television mini-series…
Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who just looked at her clock and is startled, it’s 4:17 a.m. eeeeekkkkkkk…
Had a meeting with John1 today we talked for hours about the “newest addition” that we’ve branched into as a result of working on the Red Book and Cotton project. This project, like writing a book, is leading us. Showing us where to go…
About a week or two ago John1 became burdened with what he was seeing reported in the news over the last few weeks and just couldn’t shake it: the horrors being committed by parents against their own children. Shanyia Davis being one–the five year old whose mother sold her as a sex slave. She was raped, murdered, and her body thrown on the side of the road. He was so troubled that he made a video for her and is working on more.
As he formulated and created the video he also created our “newset addition”. Our new “theme” if you will: “BLAMe Your Parents”. (You say BLAMe-blam) Shanyia is dead because of her mother. There’s a 15 year old who is dead because his father shot him in the head…
So how does this “go along” with the Red Book and Cotton?
Starting on Thanksgiving we uploaded the video for Shanyia Davis to YouTube and since, two more have been added. The other two videos are from the 40 that I’ve been telling you John1′s been working on–the “book videos”–for the book.
I’ve embedded Shanyia’s Video here. It’s called “Shanyia’s Cry”. It’s a brand new concept, one that again was totally John1′s idea and creation. I haven’t been able to snatch a shred of creative credit here. The man is amazingly creative.
Be sure you follow the directions at the beginning. I’ll post one of the other two videos tomorrow, but if you don’t want to wait, and I wouldn’t blame you click here.
Night, Love ya,
Theresa Jane
-who went to see Blind Side again and needed every tissue she brought just in case. This is such a great movie! Go see it!
–*John1 is: John Solomon Sandridge. My business partner and author of Red Book and Cotton. If you’re a new friend to my blog you need to know this. I also have a son named John, who also works with us and it just became too confusing to always have to note who was who
Wrote this earlier annnnnd didn’t post it. Again. I seem to be having a problem clicking the publish button in the last 24 hours, shaking my head…
I’m back. Now that I’m here I had this overwhelming urge not to leave before sharing my waking thoughts, which were centered on overcoming my feelings of worthlessness. Dribbled out into this post are the 
rushing streams as they flowed while I passed from the unconscious dream state to the conscious, awake. Get them down. Solidify them…
First thought was: if I’m going to drive this state of mind from me I’ve got to do something. My brain is like a muddy, stagnant glass of water. If it were actually a glass I could pick it up, pour out the water, clean it with a sudsy cloth, and replace it with clean water. Wouldn’t that be great! But it isn’t. It’s sort of stuck there, sealed inside my skull. Filled with hard wired, deeply ingrained, ancient brain patterns. Firing away at will. Shaped and formed from distant voices and past treatment. Reinforced over time by other voices, that I allowed to be present, including my own self-degrading, doubtful one.
Since pouring out and washing aren’t an option there’s only one thing I can do to cleanse out the polluted waters saturating my brain. Take a pitcher and pour in “clean water” until every last trace of the stagnated is flushed out completely.
I must change my thoughts one thought at a time: I must refuse to drink from the polluted waters of “Worthlessness”. I must take my ladle and dip it into the sweet waters of “Great Value” and drink it in. Bath in it. Saturate my every molecule. Anoint my brain with it’s medicinal qualities.
Happiness must come from within me: My happiness has always depended on outside
circumstances: voices, things going right… Never has happiness flowed out from within me. Where it originates. It was stopped and corked by the mask of “Worthlessness.”
I must Consciously and daily strive toward “Great Value”: As with all my healing this is a process that must be held to with great diligence in order for there to be a transformation. But I have an inward sense that this will be different. It won’t be so difficult. Because I have finally 
penetrated to the root. In the past the programing of the”Worthlessness” has always been the over arching monster that came and devoured the other other work. Making progress difficult. I was constantly running from it’s chilling voice that pierced my strong heart. It’s words echoed violently robbing me of knowing that I could do this healing work. Overcome what was causing me and my life to not be what I wanted it to be. Happy, peaceful, successful, joyful, together, fearless, self-confident…
Daily being swallowed up by the swill of “Worthlessness” left me doubtful. Fearful. Feeling, at times, like I was fighting a losing battle. I would never overcome. Never heal. Never be truly happy for more than a short time. And confident? Well, I didn’t know if I would ever achieve that.
But I’m no fool. This will be arduous. It will require me to stay alert and be honest with myself. I have to face the “Worthlessness” when it pops up and admit that that’s what’s stalking me. Creating a purple haze. Emitting a piercing, shrilling, screech to paralyze me with fear, doubt and confusion. Then I must decide to take a drink from the sweet waters of “Great Value”.
I better get a flask and fill it with “Great Value”. To keep in my back pocket. Ready at a moments notice. Because these moments will be frequent.
There’s more, but I must press into my day,
Theresa Jane
-whose filling her flask
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