All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men Couldn’t Help Me . . . January 17, 2010

As I said in the last post, “All the king’s horses and all the kings men” couldn’t fix the problem that had developed between me and my child/ren.  Only I could belly up and take RESPOND-siblity for what I had created.  Own the whole mess.

So here’s how I RESPOND-sibilited .. for months…

BACKED OFF:

• Stopped calling.
• Didn’t take advantage of situations where we were in the same place, like in “their” father’s house with my other children, to attempt to engage “them” in conversation
• If “they” interacted with me I was careful with my RESPONDses, kept it to the reason “they” were talking to me and I only embraced that moment: I didn’t go on to look for any more from them, then or after.
• I kept my pain to myself and looked for nothing from them to ease it.  I had created it, I deserved what I got, I needed to be a big girl and swallow it.
• When there was opportunity I mildly suggested that “they” consider !BLAM!ming me.

Thankfully “they” have done mini-!BLAM!s a few times so far.
When “they” have I…

TOOK RESPOND-sbility:

• SHUT my mouth.
• Done my level best to not cry.  This was about them not me.
• I didn’t correct or interrupt.
• When “they” were done I would say:
  –”I agree with everything you said.  You’re absolutely right, I did do those things.  I’m very sorry for hurting you and causing you pain when you were a child.”
  –Another time “they” mini !BLAM!med me “they” weren’t so very upset and coming right at me with seething anger, so I felt I might be able to say just a bit more…so I re-said what I said above and added:
  “I’m thankful you told me this.  You’ve helped me see things about myself that I did wrong and can still do.   Now that I see what you’ve shared I can fix it and I’m going to.”
• In every case I asked, “Do you want me to respond or would you rather just end right here?”  I felt it important to ask this question.  To show that I cared about what they said and I just needed to know what they wanted/needed from me.

If they said they were done, I said, “Ok,”  and WALKED away.
WHY??
BECAUSE:

• What had been important was that “they” had done what “they” had needed, at that moment.   Expelled the poison.  Began to cleanse the toxins from their system.
• That was what was respectful.  How dare I arrogantly decide that this needed to be dealt with longer?  That would be being a bully and controlling, even though what I would have said would have been to have supported what was said.  Anything I would have said would’ve fallen on deaf agitated ears and only proved that I was all they said, I continue to be, I won’t change, and they are right to cut me out.

If “they” wanted a response.  I gave it.

Although they never said it I can tell you that they needed a response because they needed me to “prove” my WORDS: “I’m so very sorry for hurting you as a child.”
To hear and feel if I was genuine…

Their UNSAID screaming QUESTion was…
“Yeah! If you’re so sorry then PROVE it.
Tell me what YOU did,
support my points…”

So I did…
Tomorrow I’ll show how I went about saying more…

Night, love ya,
Theresa Jane
-whose wondering if anyone has their experiences to share in my comments???

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